{"id":141,"date":"2017-03-05T02:07:02","date_gmt":"2017-03-05T02:07:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ilkapinheiro.com\/staging\/4897\/?p=141"},"modified":"2023-07-04T22:16:33","modified_gmt":"2023-07-04T22:16:33","slug":"my-ace-anger","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ilkapinheiro.com\/staging\/4897\/blog\/my-ace-anger\/","title":{"rendered":"My Ace, Anger"},"content":{"rendered":"

As a li’l, I had a reputation of being Good. Obedient and self-contained, the most consistent behavioral complaint I got was that I laughed too much (true story). I have specific memories of overhearing adults remarking to my mother that it was so refreshing to see such a \u201cwell-trained\u201d young lady. She LOVED that, and it was obvious even to my little eye that much of her (parental) identity was tied up in how I presented myself \u2013 how I represented <\/em>her.<\/p>\n

And that pissed me off. Because even though the \u201cgood\u201d thing was <\/em>partially true, I was also precocious and not a little sneaky. I mean, a major reason I was so aware of my rep was because of this habit I had of tucking into the blind spot outside ol\u2019 momma bird\u2019s bedroom door to eavesdrop on her phone calls. Plus, I had (have) this temper.<\/p>\n

My temper.<\/p>\n

My temper, y\u2019all.*<\/p>\n

I\u2019m told I get it from my daddy. It\u2019s deeper than that, though. I get ancestor <\/em>mad.<\/p>\n

Still, the constant exposure to this story of myself as Good\u2122 compelled me to maintain (the fa\u00e7ade of) it, despite how often it felt inauthentic. Also \u2013 for reasons lengthy and ancestrally psychological \u2013 displays of downswing emotions were immediately quelled with the handy tool of shame.<\/p>\n

It was suffocating, having those aspects silenced and judged as NOT good, but I possessed them and they refused to stand down. Trapped in a feedback loop of being so <\/em>mad because I was so mad<\/em>, with no outlets for expression, I came up with (self-destructive) coping habits. They didn\u2019t work; left on the heat too long, any pot will boil over.<\/p>\n

As I matured, my coping mechanisms, by then habituated to the point of futility, were no match for my rage. For the better part of young adulthood, I lived in a state of barely controlled fury. I wove anger into my personality like a thread \u2013 and, look, I have keen social skills, y\u2019all. Keen<\/em>. We\u2019re talking charismatic like whoa, so while that bright red thread didn\u2019t exactly clash with the other colors, it always <\/em>stood out enough to take an unmistakable toll.<\/p>\n

Left on the heat too long, any pot will boil over.<\/p>\n

Obviously, I worked something out because I\u2019m still here and not incarcerated for involuntary manslaughter due to blackout anger. [Note: my temper is the reason I started meditating in the first place as society frowns extra much on statuesque black women choking folks out in the street, for some reason.]<\/p>\n

I\u2019m more coordinated now. The blend is subtle, when I want it to be. \ud83d\ude09 It\u2019s not self-immolating anymore. I work on it. I may always <\/em>be working on it, since \u2013 for reasons lengthy and ancestrally psychological \u2013 I\u2019m in a partial state of rage almost all the time. And that\u2019s okay, it\u2019s great even, and here\u2019s why: because I\u2019m simultaneously in a state of bliss almost all the time, too. We possess the capacity to hold ALL of ourselves, all our messy\/spooky\/awesome aspects, responsibly, <\/em>with compassion and neutrality. Emotions are simply avenues via which we can explore how we\u2019re constructed and observe how we operate; we can use that data to inform the ways in which we serve our world.<\/p>\n

Emotions help us figure out our \u201cwhy\u201d.<\/p>\n

My anger is a tool of my liberation. I\u2019m pissed off with purpose. I stay conscious of all <\/em>my reasons \u201cwhy\u201d. I claim and celebrate my entirety without shame. Anger, joy, disgust, envy, love \u2013 to experience them and all their friends \u2013 that\u2019s my birthright. To honor them and cultivate ways to express their quiet, tectonic magic \u2013 that\u2019s my obligation.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s yours, too, if you\u2019re into it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As a li’l, I had a reputation of being Good. Obedient and self-contained, the most consistent behavioral complaint I got was that I laughed too much (true story). I have specific memories of overhearing adults remarking to my mother that it was so refreshing to see such a \u201cwell-trained\u201d young lady. She LOVED that, and… Continue reading My Ace, Anger<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"image","meta":{"_eb_attr":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-141","post","type-post","status-publish","format-image","hentry","category-magic","post_format-post-format-image","entry"],"yoast_head":"\nMy Ace, Anger – Ilka Pinheiro<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Ilka Pinheiro\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/ilkapinheiro.com\/blog\/my-ace-anger\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"My Ace, Anger – Ilka Pinheiro\" \/>\n<meta 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