{"id":75,"date":"2017-10-21T21:36:12","date_gmt":"2017-10-21T21:36:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ilkapinheiro.com\/staging\/4897\/?p=75"},"modified":"2023-07-04T22:14:39","modified_gmt":"2023-07-04T22:14:39","slug":"digestif-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ilkapinheiro.com\/staging\/4897\/blog\/digestif-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Digestif"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cYou own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them,<\/em> they should have behaved better.<\/em>\u201d ~Anne Lamott<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t start none, won\u2019t be none.<\/em>\u201d ~African-American proverb<\/p>\n

My jaw hurt.<\/p>\n

The left side, specifically \u2013 that usually welcoming and receptive yin part of me that\u2019s all \u201cWhat\u2019s that you say about freedom-yearning huddled masses?\u201d had been vacillating between mildly irritated and big <\/em>mad for several months, the reasons for which I was keenly aware but unprepared to confront. However, given my knowledge that physical ailments always possess an energetic component (and because I could pay them in-kind) my initial consultants were members of my witch tribe.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are those rocks you\u2019re chewing on?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI see marbles in there.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhose teeth are in your mouth, because they\u2019re not yours.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat aren\u2019t you spitting out?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBitch, you\u2019re a truth teller. Tell your truth.\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not certain why I felt compelled to be quiet about the cause of my suffering, but I do know the compulsion wasn\u2019t serving me. After all, Auntie Zora been told us: \u201cIf you are silent about your pain, they\u2019ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.\u201d And thus: in the spirit of authenticity, new moons, Libra season, closure, vibrating higher, and honoring auntie wisdom, your girl\u2019s about to get loud(er).<\/p>\n

My jaw hurt because of a feast of falsity my then boss (whom we\u2019ll call \u201cTyke\u201d) was attempting to feed me, which I was refusing to consume. Seems Tyke decided it was vital to keep me in a \u201cplace\u201d by trying to shovel shit down my throat right after I established my first real professional boundary with them. I put it up around my worth after going unpaid for weeks due to \u201corganizational transitions\u201d<\/em>, a period that was followed by a persistent pattern of late compensation caused by Tyke\u2019s seeming inability to submit payroll numbers on time. (That memo has<\/em> been widely circulated, yes? The one that says you pay your people on schedule and\/or give them notice when the case is otherwise? I thought so.) I questioned the phenomenon repeatedly, with increasing levels of exasperation, only to have my concerns dismissed.<\/p>\n

This monetary snag was the creation of an energetic snowball that would end my relationship with Tyke as I knew it. Mind you, we were already in the storm \u2013 I just didn\u2019t realize it at the time. Caught up in that ball, we barreled down a hill of cold war-esque frenemy incredulity that was exacerbated by dishonesty, manipulation, and major financial instability. Basically, I\u2019d seen behind the curtain and backstage was in shambles. Basically, the more I experienced Tyke as a boss, the less I respected them as a person.<\/p>\n

Our long fall eventually ended in the “termination” of my employment \u2013 while in the midst of rate negotiations, because of reasons* \u2013 and I finally felt justified about my barren field of fucks. Freed from any lingering requirement to play nice, I became aloof. Clipped my correspondence; started signing off emails with \u201cregards\u201d. In response, Tyke fired up cannons of delusional victimization: \u201cI\u2019ve been moving forward as a team.\u201d<\/em> \u2013 subtle undermining: \u201cIt didn\u2019t make sense to continue investing in you.\u201d<\/em> \u2013 and blatant sabotage: \u201cMost regrettably, we do not know of any animal psychic<\/em>.\u201d **<\/p>\n

I could go on, but you get the idea; no need to keep bashing the horse corpse.<\/p>\n

Where I\u2019m from, being repeatedly dismissed and gaslighted by anyone is a feather-ruffler, so to experience it from someone who claims to be your friend, well\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cNah,\u201d said my jaw.<\/p>\n

Turns out demanding fair treatment still strikes some people as \u201cuppity\u201d. (That\u2019s code, btw. You know about those codes, right? \u201cChicago\u201d is one. \u201cAngry\u201d is another. \u201cThug\u201d is super popular in certain circles. \u201cSassy\u201d is a personal fave, not least because it was literally one of the adjectives used to describe me in the company farewell announcement.)<\/p>\n

But \u201clove and light\u201d though.<\/p>\n

Anyway, my professional and personal relationships with Tyke were finished, but my jaw still hurt because I was furious with myself for my role in co-creating the situation. I was pissed because I presumed a level of partnership and protection that never existed. I presumed our history, coupled with my job performance (which was exceptional \u2013 don\u2019t get it twisted; you can check my reviews) would be enough to secure and maintain some semblance of equality. I presumed that, in me, Tyke saw more than just a profit machine (I was that, too \u2013 don\u2019t get that twisted, either.) I presumed we\u2019d be ascending side-by-side. Tyke was envisioning a vertical line.<\/p>\n

I peppered myself with shoulds<\/em>: I should\u2019ve left after it became clear Tyke cared more about the image of the wellbeing of their team than its actuality. I should\u2019ve kicked rocks when they were off flossin\u2019 on global gallivants while I went hungry, even as I repped the hell out of their brand. Fear, that liar, had me convinced that I required Tyke\u2019s connections and reach to succeed. It told me to keep my seat, even though it was uncomfortable and unsupportive, because maybe this was the best table to which I\u2019d ever be invited to sit. I felt shame for spending so much time and energy tossing props at a person swimming in such depths of murky goop, and I really<\/em> wanted our relationship to be anything but yet another example of that fucking invincible-seeming mother wound. I was afraid that all the guidance, confidence, hope \u2013 all of everything Tyke helped me uncover had been tainted and rendered false.<\/p>\n

\u201cNAH,\u201d said my jaw.<\/p>\n

I remembered: I<\/em> did all that everything. Tyke may have shown me how to read the maps, but I found the treasure on my own. Because all a true healer really <\/em>does is create the conditions and hold space for us to heal ourselves, and vice versa. It\u2019s multi-way medicine. We\u2019re all leading each other home; we\u2019re all finding our way in the dark.<\/p>\n

In the end, I\u2019m grateful to Tyke \u2013 even as I excise them from my life \u2013 for holding that space and for pointing me towards discovering how to harness the power of my light.<\/p>\n

Because my light is bright as fuck.<\/p>\n

Now, I\u2019m turning up my volume to match. It\u2019s time. As I\u2019ve mentioned before, (and will likely mention again) stakes is high \u2013 they\u2019ve been <\/em>high, especially for some of us. So, as we come through the past week\/month\/year\/lifetime(s) and enter new phases of what\u2019s-next, I invite you to be loud with me, if you can, when you can. Whenever you can. Make noise. Scream when they hit you, or hurt you, or lie to your face. Howl when they enter those places they have no right to go. Wail for yourself, for your ancestors, and for those who could not \u2013 and still can\u2019t \u2013 do it for themselves.<\/p>\n

And may our cries help us all make our way to the light.<\/p>\n

* Those reasons are avarice and garbage person behavior, in case that was unclear.<\/p>\n

** Of course I\u2019ve got proof. Get receipts, my loves. Always <\/em>get receipts.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cYou own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.\u201d ~Anne Lamott \u201cDon\u2019t start none, won\u2019t be none.\u201d ~African-American proverb My jaw hurt. The left side, specifically \u2013 that usually welcoming and receptive yin part of me that\u2019s all \u201cWhat\u2019s that you… Continue reading Digestif<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"image","meta":{"_eb_attr":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-75","post","type-post","status-publish","format-image","hentry","category-magic","post_format-post-format-image","entry"],"yoast_head":"\nDigestif – Ilka Pinheiro<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Ilka Pinheiro\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/ilkapinheiro.com\/blog\/digestif-2\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta 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